Lyrics to The Ballad of Falk Zildjian (The Parabellum Citybillies Theme)

Come and listen to a story 'bout a fella named Falk
Careful how you say his name or people start to talk.
Well one fine day he was shootin' at some fools
who was counterfeitin' skee-ball tickets in a grade school. 

[Spoken:] Abandoned grade school, that is. Boiler room. 

Now first thing you know, Falk’s on the radio.
This Gun in My Hand is the name of his show.
Weren’t too long, he had the villains on the run.
Indomitable hero by virtue of the fact that he carries a gun.

Yer gun makes you the hero so you do the best you can.
Papers called him "menace" cuz they couldn’t spell Zildjian.
They said, "Parabellum is the place ya oughta be!"
He said, "I’m already there" and he shot 'em in the knee. 

[Spoken:] The bad guy, that is. Not the newspaper men. I wish I could write rhymin' lyrics better so’s I wouldn’t have to clarify with these spoken sections. 

Announcer: The Parabellum Citybillies! 

Come and listen to a story 'bout some poor mountain folk.
Depression and the dustbowl ain’t no joke.
We packed up our troubles and we headed west fast.
You wanna know more, read The Grapes of Wrath. 

[Spoken:] The novel, that is. Steinbeck. Hard times. Injustice. 

Announcer: The Parabellum Citybillies!

This Banjo on My Knee - Episode 134

Why have the abandoned farm houses outside of town filled up and why are the squatters shooting at each other? Are they even human? What is a “mam-mama” or a “goomah?” What state is Parabellum City in? Listen to find out!

This Banjo on My Knee, episode 134 of This Gun in My Hand, was farmed and worked by Rob Northrup. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, archives, and to buy my books, such as Sisyphus, Eat Your Heart Out, available in paperback and ebook from Amazon. What musical instrument accompanies my lyrical exposition? This Gun in My Hand!

Show Notes:
1. When I moved from Michigan to Houston for a year, courting my pen-pal Melinda, I heard one of her teen-aged nieces use the term “Mam-mama” for her grandmother. I developed a theory that across the South, they keep adding the sound “mam” for every generation of a matriarch. My theory was wrong. It was just one kid who had trouble pronouncing “grandmama.”

2. “Goomah” is an Americanized pronunciation of the Italian word “comare,” informally used to mean mistress.

3. A great aunt or second cousin in my mother’s father’s family published a book of genealogy and stories about the family, including a poem by somebody way back which included the down-homey line “Now Pa, you’re fabricatin’.”

4. Another mistake I found after recording and editing which I didn’t feel like fixing: the word “this” is a demonstrative pronoun or demonstrative determiner, not a personal pronoun.

Credits:
The opening music was from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Interstitial music from the public domain radio show Mystery House, “Dagger in the Dark” broadcast July 5, 1946. Most of the music and sound effects used in the episode are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

Sound Effect Title: Park ambience - mostly birds
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/Mafon2/sounds/274175/#

Sound Effect Title: Shoe polishing - tripple wipe stroke - 221098_AshtiHari_SD100_Term4.wav by 221098HariPotter
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0
https://freesound.org/people/221098HariPotter/sounds/655571/?

Sound Effect Title: footsteps cellar.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/gecop/sounds/545030/

Sound Effect Title: Gun Fire by GoodSoundForYou
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
http://soundbible.com/1998-Gun-Fire.html

Sound Effect Title: 38 Caliber Gun Shot 5x
Recorded by Mike Koenig
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
http://soundbible.com/375-38-Caliber-Gun-Shot-5x.html

Sound Effect Title: Real Colt 45 M1911 (shot) by Carmelomike
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
https://freesound.org/people/Carmelomike/sounds/255216/

Sound Effect Title: 22lr Caliber Rifle Shots and Reloading
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/717133/ 

Sound Effect Title: gavel-double.flac
By zerolagtime (Sen. John Kerry recorded from C-Span)
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
https://freesound.org/people/zerolagtime/sounds/70069/

Sound Effect Title: typewriter18.ogg by tams_kp
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/43558/ 

Sound Effect Title: G24-01-Warner Brothers Body Fall.wav by craigsmith
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/438300/ 

The image accompanying this episode is a modified detail of the cover of Hillbilly Comics, Volume 1, Number 4, October 1955, by Art Gates, public domain. Full issue available at:
https://digitalcomicmuseum.com/preview/index.php?did=12739

Alt Image Text: Comic book line art of six stereotypical hillbillies in a sleek yellow convertible, speeding away from the silhouette of a man jumping in the distance, a word balloon saying “Stop” pointing to him. A man with black beard, no mustache and ragged hat is smiling as he leans over the steering wheel. A beautiful young black-haired woman in a patched and ragged blouse sits in the middle of the front seat with her arm behind the driver. A scowling man with a bowl haircut and grey cap (possibly a Confederate kepi) is in the passenger side of the front seat, his bare feet dangling out the side of the car with a black boar held in his lap. In the back seat are an older, heavy woman laughing widely with one tooth missing, a distressed looking young man sprawled in her lap with his feet out the side of the car, and an excited young man in a coonskin cap with a long-barrelled musket that is firing. A word balloon pointing to the man with musket says, “THIS BANJO ON MY KNEE comics.” A word balloon pointing to the driver says “SOLD TO THE AMERICAN!”

On Her Majesty's Secret Scamper - Episode 133

Summoned by a young woman, Falk returns to a mysterious estate in Shropshire that simultaneously exists in Parabellum Heights. Will Falk foil the royal kidnapping plot? How does the outcome of this adventure hinge on the undergarments of rodents? Listen to find out!

On Her Majesty’s Secret Scamper, episode 133 of This Gun in My Hand, was governed by Rob Northrup. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, archives, and to buy my books, such as Sisyphus, Eat Your Heart Out, available in paperback and ebook from Amazon. What do I dip in the water to propel a longship? This Gun in My Hand!

Show Notes:
1. Melinda challenged me: “The ultimate would be [an episode about] Hamster Panties brought to you by Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.”

2. Yes, Penelope is named after the character from the animated series Hamtaro, released in the US in 2002. 

3. Why does “Card Sense” Jimmy Barnes sound like a bad Ronald Coleman impression in episode 95, but like a bad Christopher Connelly impression in this episode? Because just like that other action hero known for his skill with cards, the character is sometimes British and other times American.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQJOAiukFkI

4. Falk’s earlier dalliance at Vulverwood Hall and the first appearance of Miss Carlotta Shaywood were in episode 108, “Zildjian’s Away to Shropshire.” If you can’t get enough hamster adventures, listen to episode 78, “Speed Detective.” Or “The Hamster Caper of Curtis Cleever,” a 1979 episode of Sears Radio Theater narrated by Cicely Tyson.
https://archive.org/download/sears-radio-theatre_202008/790628%20104%20The%20Hamster%20Caper%20of%20Curtis%20Cleever.mp3

According to Wikipedia, the anthology series had a different theme for each night of the week, and a different host. Tyson hosted “Love and Hate Nights” on Thursdays.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sears_Radio_Theater

5. Shropshire borders Wales so I spent an extra few minutes finding bird call ambience recorded in Wales for the bit while they’re in Shropshire, and North Devon bird calls for the bit talking about Hemsford pansies. 

Credits:
The opening music clip was from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Most of the music and sound effects used in the episode are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

Sound Effect Title: R23-42-Rowing or Rapids.wav by craigsmith
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/480844/ 

Sound Effect Title: (Simulated) Underwater boat oar sounds by jay_mar
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/561314/ 

Sound Effect Title: CRWDBatl_Crowd Grunting, Exerting, Metered, Rowing_ShaneVincent_GSC24_BIN-AmbeoVR.wav by ShangusBurger
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/763939/ 

Sound Effect Title: R27-37-Metal Clanks and Hits.wav by craigsmith
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/486295/ 

Sound Effect Title: R29-39-Chinese Screams in Battle.wav by craigsmith
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/479582/

Sound Effect Title: R28-51-1940s Hollywood Japanese Soldiers Scream.wav by craigsmith
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/482804/ 

Sound Effect Title: R28-44-Women Screaming and Rapid Talking.wav by craigsmith
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/craigsmith/sounds/479894/

Sound Effect Title: Car_motor_Sound.m4a
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/Blizzard123/sounds/504633/#

Sound Effect Title: Squeaky Car Door by coltures
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/262325/ 

Sound Effect Title: Screeching Tyres by iainmccurdy
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0
https://freesound.org/s/650934/ 

Sound Effect Title: Margam Park Bird Song (processed) by g.strange42
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0
https://freesound.org/s/684191/ 

Song Title: Wassail Song, aka Here We Come A-wassailing
Performed by the chorus of U.S. Army Band "Pershing's Own", led by Colonel Thomas Rotondi, Jr. (Leader & Commander) and CSM Debra L. McGarity (Command Sergeant Major) c. 2010.
License: Public Domain
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:U.S._Army_Band_-_Here_We_Come_A-wassailing.ogg

Sound Effect Title: North Devon Birds - Summer 2015 by nlux
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0
https://freesound.org/s/625889/ 

Sound Effect Title: Footsteps on gravel by Joozz
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0
https://freesound.org/people/Joozz/sounds/531952/

Sound Effect Title: Gun Fire by GoodSoundForYou
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
http://soundbible.com/1998-Gun-Fire.html

The image accompanying this episode uses modified details from Pep Comics (Number 66 , March 1948, pencils and inks by Bill Woggon), and Marmaduke Mouse (Number 11, Winter 1948, artist unknown), both comics in the public domain. You can view full issues of both at digitalcomicmuseum.com. 

Image Alt text: Comic book line drawing of a brunette female paper doll wearing a black and yellow striped bikini top and some kind of matching wrap around her waist. Around the edges are costumes that can be used on the paper doll including cowgirl, majorette, Arabian dancing girl, blue dress and harlequin outfit. Also the main paper doll has the face of a cartoon mouse.

A Very Special Thirty-Eight - Episode 132

How will Falk solve problems like social disease, substance abuse or stranger danger? What happened to the villain at the end of the episode? Maybe if you listen, you’ll find out. Did you ever think of that?

A Very Special Thirty Eight, episode 132 of This Gun in My Hand, was written, voiced and edited especially by the only member of its cast and crew, Rob Northrup. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, archives, and to buy my books, such as Sisyphus, Eat Your Heart Out, available in paperback and ebook from Amazon. What prevents me from suffocating in an unventilated chamber? This Gun in My Hand!

Show Notes:
1. “The nonsense rat is endemic to the Nicobar Islands” in India, inhabiting “tropical evergreen and semi-evergreen forests,” according to Wikipedia.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonsense_rat
2. I’m not sure if enough people were flying across the USA in 1939 for coastal elites to have developed the insult of “flyover states.” Let’s pretend they had.

Credits:
The opening music clip was from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Other interstitial music was taken from the public domain radio show Bold Venture. Most of the music and sound effects used in the episode are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

Sound Effect Title: Park ambience - mostly birds
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/Mafon2/sounds/274175/#

Sound Effect Title: Real Colt 45 M1911 (shot) by Carmelomike
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
https://freesound.org/people/Carmelomike/sounds/255216/

Sound Effect Title: footsteps cellar.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/gecop/sounds/545030/

Sound Effect Title: FX_Footsteps_Outside_Pavement01.WAV by PeteBarry
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0
https://freesound.org/s/647403/ 

Sound Effect Title: Traffic mel 1.wav by malupeeters
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0
https://freesound.org/people/malupeeters/sounds/191350/

Sound Effect Title: Old refrigerator door.m4a by ckjzam
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0
https://freesound.org/s/421626/ 

The image accompanying this episode is a modified detail of a public domain print advertisement for the International Harvester Defender Refrigerator, found in the 5 October 1946 issue of Australian Women’s Weekly. Artist unknown.
https://archive.org/details/1946-advertisement-for-international-harvester-defender-refrigerator

Image Alt text: Painting from a 1946 magazine ad shows a woman in a sleeveless red blouse and yellow skirt with flowery decoration near the waist, gesturing with her left hand towards an open refrigerator beside her. Maybe she’s in a showroom because she’s holding a curtain with her right hand. The fridge is packed with milk bottles, jars, soda or wine, a platter of fruit, a bundt cake, a whole chicken on a plate. Across the top of the image it says “THIS GUN IN MY HAND PRESENTS.” An unrolled scroll in the bottom left reads “A Very Special Thirty-Eight.”  

Johnny Got His Gun in My Hand - Episode 131

Where am I? How could they leave me alone with my thoughts? You know it’s matrilineal, right? Listen to find out!

Johnny Got His Gun in My Hand, episode 131 of This Gun in My Hand, was encased and basketed by Rob Northrup. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, archives, and to buy my books, such as Sisyphus, Eat Your Heart Out, available in paperback and ebook from Amazon. How do I disperse powder with deadly results? This Gun in My Hand!

Show Notes:
1. The floor cleaning solution we used at Taco Bell in 1995 was labeled “degreaser/desengrasadora.” It was not a brand name but it sounds flowery. Just in case someone in our darkest timeline really uses that brand name, let me remind you that the audio and text of This Gun in My Hand are works of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places and events are products of the author's imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Credits:
The opening music clip was from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Most of the music and sound effects used in the episode are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

Sound Effect Title: bustle in the pub
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/organicmanpl/sounds/403285/

Sound Effect Title: HARP GLISSANDO DOWN.WAV
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/olver/sounds/505064/

Sound Effect Title: Gun Fire by GoodSoundForYou
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
http://soundbible.com/1998-Gun-Fire.html

Sound Effect Title: House Front Door Inside 3.wav
License: Public domain
https://freesound.org/people/saturdaysoundguy/sounds/388027/#

The image accompanying this episode is a modified detail of the cover of Dime Mystery Magazine, Volume 28, Number 2, January 1943, art by Milton Luros. In public domain.

Image Alt text: Painted pulp magazine cover. A red-haired woman in yellow blouse pulls back startled from a bony, possibly undead creature in a sarcophagus in front of her, raising a knife toward her. She’s dropping a small box with Egyptian drawings on it. The walls behind her show Egyptian style figures. Along the top it says 10¢, “JAN” and has “A Popular Publication” logo which looks like a skull. The title across the top is “THIS GUN IN MY HAND ZINE.” A small label in lower right shows a blue eagle and “BUY WAR BONDS AND STAMPS FOR VICTORY.” A larger box in lower left shows white letters on red background: “AN IMAGE THAT’S ALMOST COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO THIS EPISODE. EXCEPT THERE IS A SARCOPHAGUS IN IT SO THAT COUNTS.”

Shoot the Moon - Episode 130

Can Falk and his friends stop a careless rocket launch in the heart of Parabellum City that could damage buildings and injure citizens? Which heroes or villains will guest star on this season finale? Does the Moon have air? Listen to find out!

Shoot the Moon, episode 130 of This Gun in My Hand, was launched by Rob Northrup. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, archives, and to buy my books, such as Sisyphus, Eat Your Heart Out, available in paperback and ebook from Amazon, which is not owned by the world’s RICHEST Nazi. But he’s kiiiiiinda… With what do I shoot the moon? This Gun in My Hand!

Show Notes:
1. There are too many special guests in this episode to list all their previous appearances. If you’re fanatical, you can look them up in the subject index linked below, which lists character appearances, characters mentioned, locations, music, ads and fake radio shows in the previous 129 episodes.
https://thisguninmyhand.blogspot.com/2022/02/subject-index.html 

2. I usually try to restrain myself from pointing out all the pop culture references in episodes of This Gun in My Hand, because if you don’t recognize the reference in the first place, it’s not going to become funny when it’s pointed out. But just to give a sense of the volume, here are all the allusions or subjects of parody in this episode: Buck Rogers, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Moonraker, Batman, Godfather II, Agatha Christie, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Hill Street Blues, Twin Peaks, Barney Miller, Green Hornet, Buckaroo Banzai, Defenders of the Earth, GI Joe, the Secretary of “Health and Human Services” (sic), and that guy who capitalized on his inherited generational wealth and suckered people into believing he’s a genius (sorry, that doesn’t narrow it down, does it?).

Credits:
The opening music clip was from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950). The “Spoilers” commercial music was from The Scar (aka Hollow Triumph, 1948). Closing music was from Killer Bait (1949). All three films are in the public domain. Most of the music and sound effects used in the episode are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

Sound Effect Title: Pop
Performed by Rob pulling the stopper out of a 60mL enteral syringe

Sound Effect Title: S16-06 Light wooden door open & close.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/craigsmith/sounds/675878/

Sound Effect Title: Djembe Hit 13 Hi Rim.wav by carlmartin
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/158957/ 

Sound Effect Title: Punch.wav
By ztrees1
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
https://freesound.org/people/ztrees1/sounds/134934/

Sound Effect Title: EARTHQUAKE OR DISTANT SPACE SHUTTLE RUMBLE.WAV by metrostock99
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/203281/ 

Sound Effect Title: Rumble 1.wav by Zeraora
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/s/524489/ 

Sound Effect Title: Landmass / Earth Rumble by el-bee
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0
https://freesound.org/s/363122/ 

Sound Effect Title: Rockfall (7lrs,grnlzr,Eq) 2.wav by newlocknew
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0
https://freesound.org/s/497206/ 

Sound Effect Title: footsteps cellar.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/gecop/sounds/545030/

The image accompanying this episode is a modified detail of the novel cover “And Then The Town Took Off,” art by Edmund Emshwiller.

Image Alt text: Painting shows close-up of a rocket or jet pilot through the clear canopy of the vehicle, high in the sky. Through the side of his windshield we see a massive hunk of earth with houses and buildings on top of it moving through the air, as if it had been removed with a giant ice cream scoop and hurled into orbit.

No Accounting for Taste - Episode 129

Can Falk bring down an accounting firm with ties to organized crime? Can math lead to redemption? What’s the Croatian equivalent of “bada boom, bada bing”? Listen to find out!

No Accounting for Taste, episode 129 of This Gun in My Hand, was put in the red and written off by Rob Northrup. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, archives, and to buy my books, such as Sisyphus, Eat Your Heart Out, available in paperback and ebook from Amazon. How do I move data from temporary accounts on an income statement to permanent accounts on a balance sheet? With This Gun in My Hand!

Show Notes:
1. The absurd street names and Mr. Bellechek’s convoluted plan were inspired by/in homage to/ripped off from the public domain January 31, 1949 episode of Lux Radio Theatre titled “The Street With No Name.” A section of dialog with the boss and mugs repeating his plan were taken almost verbatim from there.
https://archive.org/details/OTRR_Lux_Radio_Theatre_Season_15_Singles/Lux_Radio_Theatre_49-01-31_643_Street_with_No_Name.mp3

2. I have no opinion about the efficacy or personality of any sport team manager ever and intend no satirical commentary on them in this story. It’s up to consumers of stories how to interpret them anyway. Don’t get me started on “The Death of the Author” theory because I will go off. The audio and text of This Gun in My Hand are works of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places and events are products of the author's imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons or organized crime families, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. No managers were harmed in the making of this story.

3. Most of the absurd street names are taken from titles of actual noir films or old songs.

4. Here’s the wikipedia entry on the Five Families who run the Mafia in NYC.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_Families

Credits:
The opening music clip was from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Most of the music and sound effects used in the episode are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

Music Title (background for commercial): Clarinet Squawk
Composed by Anton Lada, Yellow Nuņez and Joe Cawley
Performed by Louisiana Five
Recorded 12 September 1919, Edison 50609-R
License: Public Domain
https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Louisiana_Five/Edison_Blue_Amberol_3896/Clarinet_squawk/ 

Sound Effect Title: HARP GLISSANDO DOWN.WAV
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/olver/sounds/505064/

Sound Effect Title: 38 Caliber Gun Shot 5x
Recorded by Mike Koenig
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
http://soundbible.com/375-38-Caliber-Gun-Shot-5x.html

The image accompanying this episode is a modified detail of the paperback cover of Down and Out by Les Masters, painted by Victor Olson, thought to be public domain.

Image Alt text: Painting of a man in blue suit, white shirt, light blue striped tie, seated behind a desk. He’s smiling slightly with his elbows on the desktop, his hands together in front of him with a lit cigarette. He has dark hair. The desk has a pencil cup and only one paper on it. Beside him is a sliver of window with a view of the nighttime cityscape and a vertical sign just outside the window that reads “ACCOUNT”. Presumably the rest of the word is cut off. Caption in upper right reads “NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE.”