The Boy Who Cried What’s That Thing in Ya Hand - Episode 61

A fifth child has gone missing. Will Falk track them down before it’s too late, or discover the whole thing was a hoax? What percentage of Albanians speak Portuguese? Listen to find out!

The Boy Who Cried What’s That Thing in Ya Hand, episode 61 of This Gun in My Hand, was made up by your imaginary friend Rob Northrup. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, information on how to subscribe, and to buy my books, such as Little Heist in the Big Woods and Other Revisionist Atrocities. How are you going to escape from this situation, my little hog-tied pork chop? With This Gun in My Hand!

Show Notes:
1. Alan first appeared in Episode 24 at Gristle Park, and on the bus in Episode 59.

2. The abandoned grade school has been the setting for episodes 1, 3, 22 and 38. 

Credits:
The opening and fake commercial music clips are from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music is from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Another brief segment of music accompanying narration is from the public domain film The Scar (1948, aka Hollow Triumph). All are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

The image accompanying this episode is a modified detail of the cover of public domain comic book Crime Must Pay the Penalty No. 9 (August 1949), art possibly by King Ward.

Hush, Sweet Zildjian - Episode 60

Seventeen citizens lie in the grass, their minds devastated – caught in the psychic crossfire between a boisterous trencherman and a woman who dominates with a whisper. Will Falk Zildjian be permanently hushed? Listen to find out!

Hush, Sweet Zildjian, episode 60 of This Gun in My Hand, was mucked and chewed and whispered windily by Rob Northrup. Featuring Ernesto as the purring of Pyewacket. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, information on how to subscribe, and to buy my books, such as Little Heist in the Big Woods and Other Revisionist Atrocities. What added such flavor to the savory meal before me? This Gun in My Hand!

Show Notes:
1. Pyewacket was the feline familiar of the witch played by Kim Novak in the 1958 film Bell, Book and Candle.

2. “Doberman & Collie” is a buddy cop radio show featured in a fake ad in Episode 17. Parabellum City’s hardest detectives were eventually assigned new partners, now appearing on “Collie & Pit.” Not sure if Doberman left after season two due to a contract dispute or because Hollywood beckoned, but the show seems to be picking up steam after his replacement by young Philip Michael Bullworth as Rico Pit. (In real life, I recently walked past the yard that inspired Doberman & Collie and this time I was barked at by a Collie and a Pit Bull. Whatever happened to the real Doberman, we wish him well.)

3. Did you catch all the minced oaths in the commercial? “Zounds,” a contraction of God’s wounds. “Gosh,” a variant on God. “Egad,” another variant on God. “Strewth,” a contraction of God’s truth. “Judas Priest,” a soundalike phrase to avoid saying Jesus Christ. “Dickens,” a substitute for The Devil. “Dagnabbit” = God damn it. “By Jim,” to avoid saying By God. “Consarn,” authentic frontier gibberish that sounds like God damn. “Darnit” = damn it.

Credits:
The opening and middle transitional music clips are from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music is from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Most of the music and sound effects used in the episode are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

Sound Effect Title: Park ambience - mostly birds
License: public domain
https://freesound.org/people/Mafon2/sounds/274175/#

Sound Effect Title: Rain - shower
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/Alayan/sounds/396335/

Sound Effect Title: Cat meow
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/TRNGLE/sounds/362652/

Sound Effect Title: Car_motor_Sound.m4a
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/Blizzard123/sounds/504633/#

Sound Effect Title: Electric razor
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/dylanperitz/sounds/452367/

Sound Effect Title: Electric razor 8 - travel razor
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/giddster/sounds/434991/

The image accompanying this episode is a modified detail of the cover of Detective Novel Magazine, Vol. XIX, No. 3 (July 1947), public domain, artist unknown.

Publisher War Zone - Episode 59

A man in black with a skull on his chest & a blazing tommy gun. His enemy, capable of forcing police & soldiers to do his bidding. Another guy who makes wisecracks from the future. Can Falk end their bloody feud? Listen to find out!

Publisher War Zone, episode 59 of This Gun in My Hand, was punished by Rob Northrup. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, information on how to subscribe, and to buy my books, such as Little Heist in the Big Woods and Other Revisionist Atrocities. What am I gonna use to pry open that gate you’re guarding? This Gun in My Hand!

Show Notes:
1. Horn & Hardarts was a chain of coin-operated self-serve restaurants popular in the middle of the Twentieth Century, also known as automats. Watch That Touch of Mink (1962) starring Doris Day for an overview.

2. The Black Terror is a public domain comic book character, last seen in Episode 11, “Curse of The Bubbe.” 

3. If The Publisher’s military service began in 1920, he might have deployed to Guatemala, Honduras, Panama, Nicaragua and a handful of times in China.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_United_States_military_operations#1920%E2%80%931929

4. Gary Mackinder, agent to the biggest anti-heroes in Parabellum City, appeared in Episodes 11 and 26 of This Gun in My Hand.

5. Cloning fax machines are discussed in Episode 31, “Take A Powder.” But start with Episode 27, “Hardly Boiled.” It’s a five part mini-series.

6. Do not follow the advice presented by any of these characters thinking it’ll help you get published. How to humor rich people is a bigger mystery than anything these wannabe gumshoes have solved in 59 episodes. Hell, if I knew how to get published, would I be trying to sell my short story collection or other books with an unrelated podcast? 

Credits:
The opening music clip is from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music is from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Most of the music and sound effects used in the episode are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

Music during “Pizzicato” commercial: Tchaikovsky - Symphony No.4, F Minor, Op.36 - III. Scherzo Pizzicato
Composer: Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
Performed by European Archives, via Wikimedia Commons
License: Public Domain
https://musopen.org/music/75-symphony-no-4-in-f-minor-op-36/#

Sound Effect Title: chugging diesel (bus) and rev.MP3
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/CraftyIndividual/sounds/418436/

Sound Effect Title: diesel truck jake brake and air brake.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/nuncaconoci/sounds/555266/

Sound Effect Title: bus coach ext pull up brake air release idle.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/kyles/sounds/454420/

Sound Effect Title: Bus Closing Door
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/am7/sounds/520753/

Title: Footsteps Dress Shoes Wood Floor.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/allrealsound/sounds/161756/

Sound Effect Title: Machine gun.wav
By CGEffex
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0
https://freesound.org/people/CGEffex/sounds/101962/

Sound Effect Title: 38 Caliber Gun Shot 5x
Recorded by Mike Koenig
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
http://soundbible.com/375-38-Caliber-Gun-Shot-5x.html

The image accompanying this episode is a modified detail of page 11 of the public domain comic book Crime and Punishment, Number 65 (January 1954), art by George Tuska. It also includes a modified detail from the public domain cover of America’s Best Comics, Number 24 (December 1947), art by Alex Schomburg.

Dew Drop Innuendo - Episode 58

How do you solve a problem like exchanging witty banter with a villain when his little girl Maria tags along? Has Falk Zildjian met his match in The Dizzy Bowler? Listen to find out!

Dew Drop Innuendo, episode 58 of This Gun in My Hand, was implied by Rob Northrup. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, information on how to subscribe, and to buy my books, such as Little Heist in the Big Woods and Other Revisionist Atrocities. What happens when a mommy and daddy reallllly love each other? This Gun in My Hand!

Show Notes:
1. A “defenestrator” is someone who kills by throwing people out of windows.
2. Phonebooks were directories published annually or less frequently and distributed to all residents, in which a person could look up the names, telephone numbers and usually addresses of every person or business in a city or region. To remain private, customers actually had to pay the phone company extra to NOT list their personal information. In most cities, phone books were hundreds of pages long and two to three inches thick. It became a cliché for men to demonstrate their strength by tearing a phonebook in half. Yes, Falk Zildjian sometimes uses clichés.

Credits:
The opening music clip was from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Most of the music and sound effects used in the episode are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

Music playing during the “Growing Innovation in Radio Drama” narration was from the public domain film The Scar (aka Hollow Triumph, 1948).

Sound Effect Title: footsteps cellar.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/gecop/sounds/545030/

Sound Effect Title:Body fall_02.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/Adam_N/sounds/346694/

The image accompanying this episode is a modified detail from page 34 of the public domain comic book Sweetie Pie, Volume 1, Number 2 (May 1956). Art probably by Nadine Seltzer.

Cultivating Leverage - Episode 57

In a hidden temple, chanting cultists debate whether to serve pincers hot or cold, which candles to use for their bloody rituals, & how to maximize suffering over the next quarter. Can Falk infiltrate their ranks & work his subtle methods to bring them down? Listen to find out!

Cultivating Leverage, episode 57 of This Gun in My Hand, was pinched by Red-Hot Rob Northrup. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, information on how to subscribe, and to buy my merchandise! That’s right, you can now buy hats*, shirts* and tote bags* to show your devotion to This Gun in My Hand. Just order a paper copy of one of the books available on my website, unfold it over your head – you’ve got a hat. Or tear out the pages and sew them into a stylish t-shirt, cape dress or tote bag. Or if you like NON FUNGIBLE TOKENS, I have something right up your alley but way better. No coal mines will have to be exhausted to fuel computers to maintain the blockchain for this unique digital item – but you will have a valuable, one-of-a-kind digital item. No one else has it. It’s an ebook called Little Heist in the Big Woods and Other Revisionist Atrocities by Robert Thomas Northrup. Buy one now and you’ll be the first and only person to have a copy. You can tell everyone you have the only copy in the world. What could be more unique than that? This Gun in My Hand!

* That’s a damned lie.  

Show Notes:
1. I first heard the chant “Owa tagu siam” from wacky morning deejays on CKLW 800 AM radio, probably 45 years ago. Say one word of it at a time and ask someone to repeat the phrase after you as you until they get the hang of it. Then tell them to say it faster and faster until they realize they’re saying, “Oh what a goose I am.”

2. Let’s assume Brother Zogall was lying about closing a deal with Papa Jim’s Botanica, which is a real shop in San Antonio. They’ve sold voodoo and occult supplies, religious statues, etc. by catalog for decades and later on the web. (Remember, kids: The audio and text of This Gun in My Hand are works of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places and events are products of the author's imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.)

3. The National Rifle Association began hunter education courses in 1949. Clearly the NRMA is a totally different organization in a different world and different timeline than ours, dear listener, because This Gun in My Hand is set circa 1939.

Credits:
The opening music clip was from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Most of the music and sound effects used in the episode are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

Sound effect title: bustle in the pub
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/organicmanpl/sounds/403285/

Sound effect title: Guests-at-party.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/Mickael_Leroi/sounds/402131/

Sound Effect Title: footsteps cellar.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/gecop/sounds/545030/

Sound effect title: Gun Fire
By GoodSoundForYou
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
http://soundbible.com/1998-Gun-Fire.html

Sound Effect Title: "Destruction, Wooden, A.wav" by InspectorJ (www.jshaw.co.uk) of Freesound.org
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0

Sound Effect Title: explosion_big_03.ogg
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/derplayer/sounds/587198/

Sound Effect Title: Rockfall in mine
By Benboncan
License: Creative Commons Attribution 4.0
https://freesound.org/people/Benboncan/sounds/60085/

Sound Effect Title: Bricks/Stones/Rocks/Gravel Falling
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/iwanPlays/sounds/567249/

The image accompanying this episode is a modified detail of the front cover of Mystery Tales, Volume 3, Number 4 (March 1940), art by John Walter Scott. Public Domain.

Please Kill Responsibly - Episode 56

The gun lobby hires Emerald Ash Borer to solve their image problem. How many people will get shot as he brainstorms ways to reduce gun violence? (Spoilers: it's not zero.)

Please Kill Responsibly, episode 56 of This Gun in My Hand, was knocked off a shelf by a cat, who was set loose from a cage by a piece of twine tied to a broom handle, which was pulled by Rob Northrup. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, information on how to subscribe, and to buy my books, such as Little Heist in the Big Woods and Other Revisionist Atrocities. What sets in motion a cascading series of events, leading to the desired outcome? This Gun in My Hand!

Show Notes:
1. Faro was the most popular gambling card game in the Eighteenth Century United States. For a good time, read Sucker's Progress: An Informal History of Gambling in America by Herbert Asbury, or any of his other books.

2. “Ballistic blankets” are real and have really been offered as a solution for school massacres in the year of our lord 2022. Who needs to write satire when reality is as sick as ours? After the May 24, 2022 murder of nineteen children and two teachers in Uvalde, Texas, a former FBI agent on the teevee suggested hanging bulletproof or bullet-resistant blankets on walls of schools, which could be used to block windows.
https://www.newsweek.com/ballistic-blankets-children-shot-maureen-oconnell-fox-news-school-uvalde-texas-1709955

3. In the edited-for-television version of Repo Man (1984), much of the cursing dialogue was overdubbed with phrases like “Flip you, melon farmer.”

4. Rube Goldberg graduated from UC-Berkeley in 1904 with a degree in Engineering. He passed away in 1970.

5. The tasteless opinions of these characters do not necessarily reflect the opinions of their creator, Robert Thomas Northrup. 

Credits:
The opening music clip was from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Most of the music and sound effects used in the episode are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

Sound Effect Title: Mount Moganshan Insect Chorus
By: RTB45
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
https://freesound.org/people/RTB45/sounds/325321/

Music Title: Flight of the Carpenter Bee
By Steven Arntson
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
https://archive.org/details/Bildungsroman-7512

Sound Effect Title: Car_motor_Sound.m4a
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/Blizzard123/sounds/504633/#

Sound Effect Title: Old FM radio tuning by sielxm3d.mp3
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/deleted_user_3667256/sounds/319846/

Music and voice clips from the following public domain works: The Phantom Empire, Chapter Two (1935). The Shadow radio show (1940), Bold Venture radio show (1951), Lux Radio Theater ("Sing, You Sinners," 1940), Crestablanca radio commercial.

Sound Effect Title: 38 Caliber Gun Shot 5x
Recorded by Mike Koenig
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
http://soundbible.com/375-38-Caliber-Gun-Shot-5x.html

Sound Effect Title: Real Colt 45 M1911 (shot)
By Carmelomike
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
https://freesound.org/people/Carmelomike/sounds/255216/

Sound effect title: Gun Fire
Recorded by GoodSoundForYou
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0.
http://soundbible.com/1998-Gun-Fire.html

Sound Effect Title: Toy Gun 7
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/giddster/sounds/434720/

The image accompanying this episode is a modified detail from the cover of the public domain comic book Guns Against Gangsters, Vol. 1, No. 1 (September-October 1948). Art by L.B. Cole.

This Frog in My Hand - Episode 55

Can Falk Zildjian end the stand-off on Verf Street, or will someone else have to clean up the situation? Can Falk create life with his words? What is an auto-gyro? Listen to find out!

This Frog in My Hand, episode 55 of This Gun in My Hand, was riveted by Rob Northrup. This episode and all others are available on Youtube with automatically-generated closed captions of dialog. Visit http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, show notes, information on how to subscribe, and to buy my books, such as Little Heist in the Big Woods and Other Revisionist Atrocities. Where am I gonna get money for new shoes for Frank Junior? This Gun in My Hand!

Show Notes:
1. Hey, man, I noticed cop shows in the 1970s and 1980s have people saying “hey” way more often than you’d expect, almost a throw-away word, the way we use “like” when we’re not setting up a simile. Neal and JD on Hill Street Blues are the most prolific “hey-men,” sometimes having whole conversations where every sentence begins with “Hey.” Also heard it overused on Miami Vice and by Det. Harris on Barney Miller.

2. A batrachian is an amphibian of the order Anura.

3. Modern Mechanix changed its title to Mechanix Illustrated after the May 1938 issue and lowered their price. That’s why the July 1935 cover image accompanying this episode has a fifteen cent cover price, but it actually dropped to a dime an issue by 1939. Of course I looked it up. Do you think I’m playing here? 

Credits:
The opening music clip was from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Most of the music and sound effects used in the episode are modified or incomplete versions of the originals.

Sound Effect Title: Breaking glass.mp3
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/the_epic1357/sounds/591069/ 

Sound Effect Title: Gun for Lui.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/martian/sounds/182271/

Sound effect title: bustle in the pub
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/organicmanpl/sounds/403285/

Sound effect title: Guests-at-party.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/Mickael_Leroi/sounds/402131/

Sound Effect Title: Old Garage Door
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/deleted_user_7146007/sounds/383818/

Verf Street Blues theme music: Requiem in D minor, K. 626 - III. Sequence - Lacrymosa (For Piano - Liszt)
Performed by Markus Staab
Composed by Mozart, arranged by Liszt?
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
https://musopen.org/music/43683-requiem-in-d-minor-k-626/

Sound Effect Title: Footsteps Dress Shoes Wood Floor.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/allrealsound/sounds/161756/

Sound Effect Title: House Front Door Inside 3.wav
License: Public domain
https://freesound.org/people/saturdaysoundguy/sounds/388027/#

Sound effect title: Gun Fire
By GoodSoundForYou
License: Creative Commons Attribution 3.0
http://soundbible.com/1998-Gun-Fire.html

Sound Effect Title: frog Croaks.wav
License: Public Domain
https://freesound.org/people/D.jones/sounds/527846/

The image accompanying this episode is a modified detail of the cover of Modern Mechanix, July 1935, Vol. XIV, No. 3, public domain, artist unknown.