Indomitable hero by virtue of the fact that he carries a gun, Falk Zildjian patrols the streets of Parabellum City in search of injustices to shoot. What would make anyone listen to an old time radio parody with a cast of one? This Gun in My Hand!
Falk Zildjian, indomitable hero by virtue of the fact that he carries a gun, interrogates The Phantasm, hoping to recruit him for a fight with higher stakes than they’ve ever faced. Will they or won’t they? Find out in this final episode of Season One.
OnlyPhantasm, episode 13 of This Gun in My Hand, was brought to you by Rob Northrup. Visit https://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for full credits, show notes, details on how to subscribe, and the whole reason for the podcast, so you can buy my books. Also watch this site for my forthcoming podcast audio book, Mutiny on The Lollipop. What's your password? This Gun in My Hand.
This episode is available on Youtube, and in audio formats other than mp3 on archive.org.
Music and Sound Effects credits: The opening and middle transitional music clips were from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Music during the opening narration is “Peer Gynt Suite no. 1, Op. 46 - I. Morning Mood” by Edvard Grieg, performed by Musopen Symphony (public domain). https://musopen.org/music/777-peer-gynt-suite-no-1-op-46/
The four following modified clips were used under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license:
Title: Footsteps on gravel By Joozz https://freesound.org/people/Joozz/sounds/531952/
Title: Spring Peeper Frogs By TheBoatman https://freesound.org/people/TheBoatman/sounds/346747/
Title: Gun Fire Recorded by GoodSoundForYou http://soundbible.com/1998-Gun-Fire.html
Title: 38 Caliber Gun Shot 5x Recorded by Mike Koenig http://soundbible.com/375-38-Caliber-Gun-Shot-5x.html
Machine gun fire and explosion taken from the public domain film Commandos (1968, aka Sullivan’s Marauders).
The image illustrating this episode is a modified detail from the cover of Black Cat Comics No. 4 (Feb-Mar 1947). Pencils and inks by Lee Elias. Public Doman.
Is wealthy playboy and industrialist Lamont Cranford using his power as The Shade for good or evil? Will Falk overcome The Shade's supernatural abilities? What were you looking for when you stepped into this room? Those answers and more lurk inside this episode.
Made in The Shade, episode 12 of This Gun in My Hand, was made by Rob Northrup. Visit https://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for full credits, show notes, details on how to subscribe, and to buy my books. Little Heist in the Big Woods and Other Revisionist Atrocities is for sale in pdf format for the low, low price of $2.99. What object was I looking for when I stepped into this room? This Gun in My Hand.
This episode is available on Youtube, and in audio formats other than mp3 on archive.org.
Music and Sound Effects credits:
The opening and middle transitional music clips were from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain.
The following four modified music or sound effects were used under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license:
Music in the waiting room scene was Title: “What a Beautiful Name” Music by Jay Man | OurMusicBox Website: www.our-music-box.com YouTube: www.youtube.com/c/ourmusicbox
Title: Punch.wav By ztrees1 https://freesound.org/people/ztrees1/sounds/134934/
Title: ST_chair_ruckus.wav By ScreenplayTheater https://freesound.org/people/ScreenplayTheater/sounds/180685/
Title: Mount Moganshan Insect Chorus By: RTB45 https://freesound.org/people/RTB45/sounds/325321/
Falk is on the trail of an agent whose clients include villains like The Black Terror, The Shade & The Phantasm. But are they really villains? Who can tell these days? Does anybody really know what time it is? Yeah, I’ll tell you who knows: This Gun in My Hand.
Curse of The Bubbe, episode 11 of This Gun in My Hand, was pronounced by Rob Northrup. Rate and review this everywhere you can. Visit https://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for full credits, show notes, details on how to subscribe, and to buy my books. Who can you contact to hire me for writing gigs, birthdays, bar mitzvahs and quinceañeras? This Gun in My Hand!
The opening and middle music clips were from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Black Terror musical sting is from the public domain film Hollow Triumph/The Scar (1948).
Sound effect title: Bubbling beaker.wav https://freesound.org/people/Melthurian/sounds/319384/# Public domain
The illustration of The Black Terror tossing a criminal at cops is from his debut in Exciting Comics #9, May 1941. Pencils and inks by David Gabrielsen and color by Richard Hughes. Public domain.
Show Notes:
1. The Black Terror debuted in Exciting Comics #9 (May 1941, Vol. 3, No. 3). The first issue of his own comic was published in February 1943. His sidekick Tim Roland had no hero nickname. You can read these and many other public domain comics at digitalcomicmuseum.com.
2. Other real public domain comic characters mentioned in this episode include Captain Freedom, The Shield, Captain Battle, The Star-Spangled Kid, The Liberator, Captain Flag, The Flag, The Destroyer, The Whizzer, The Terror, Daredevil, and Yank and Doodle (the twins from Prize Comics). I made up the story about The Flag pulling a false flag in a museum, but there was a character named The Flag from Ace Comics.
3. This episode is sort of set in the 1940s, with a few anachronisms because of comedic license. Gary predicted that “fifty years from now [1990] the biggest thing on the comics rack is gonna be the one and only menacing guy in a skintight black costume with a skull on his chest.” The prediction came true, although it was some other guy in black with a skull on his chest, not the Black Terror.
How will Falk, the Emerald Ash Borer and Castro escape from Regina’s gunmen? Why is everyone in Parabellum City acting so defensive and argumentative? Do you know the difference between cagata and scrucchiata? Listen for the answers!
You’re Tellin Me, episode 10 of This Gun in My Hand, can be blamed entirely on Rob Northrup. Please rate and review wherever you find it. Go to http://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, details on how to subscribe, and to buy my books--such as Little Heist in the Big Woods and Other Revisionist Atrocities. For sale now in pdf format for $2.99. Cheap! What will motivate you to rate and review the podcast you’re listening to? This Gun in My Hand!
The opening and middle music clips were from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain. Music in “The Go-Go’s” commercial taken from the opening of the public domain film Black Cobra 2 (1989).
The following six modified audio clips were used under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 License:
Machine gun fire taken from the public domain film Commandos (1968, aka Sullivan’s Marauders).
Bonus!
Since The Emerald Ash Borer and Aunt Phoebe mention it in this episode, here’s a recipe for scrucchiata, an Italian grape jam made from slowly simmering grapes. No other ingredients! Technically it’s sugar-free, but don’t go wild with it if you’re diabetic: after you reduce that many grapes for that long, the natural fructose in the grapes must be fairly concentrated. Eating two tablespoons of scrucchiata is like eating a quarter pound of grapes. Great recipe to make them last a bit longer if you have a bunch of grapes that are still edible but not for much longer. As you might have noticed, I love that word: skrook-YAH-ta.
1. “All they ever have [in Little Free Libraries] is Harlan Coben and Microwave Chinese Cookbooks.” Where’s the lie?
2. Here’s a video of me singing Cows on Parade, circa 2009.
Episode 5: The Quiz Scam
1. Shortly before writing this episode, I read William Hogeland’s The Whiskey Rebellion: George Washington, Alexander Hamilton, and the Frontier Rebels Who Challenged America's Newfound Sovereignty. Good stuff. Good luck trying to find the good guys vs the bad guys in that fight. The rebels were fighting against regressive tax policy, yay, but literally terrorizing anyone who disagreed with them. And Washington was pushing policies that he would personally benefit from.
2. Falk’s admirer Petra Wojciehowicz is named after one of the detectives on Barney Miller.
3. There’s no category of “macrobionic” physics, but it sounds cool.
Episode 6: Want To Be Heroes
1. Tim Carchetti’s last name is taken from the Mayor from The Wire, although I probably pronounced it wrong.
Episode 7: The Only Thing That Stops A Few Bad Apples
1. I have reservations about voicing non-white characters. On the one hand, I don’t want to perform stereotyped accents or audio blackface. Unfortunately I do all the voices because I can’t afford to hire anyone else, so I can’t get a representative cast in terms of race, ethnicity, gender, or other statuses that I don’t belong to. I could write all the characters as white and never mention characters with statuses I don’t belong to. That would be misrepresenting the world we live in, and imagining a totally segregated world. That seems worse than the alternative of trying to respectfully portray people of color or other statuses I don’t belong to.
I also felt weird about this story because it seems like Falk comes into the situation and saves this one citizen from getting mistreated by cops. Yay, he saved the day, right? Except it doesn’t end with this one citizen. It’s an ongoing problem throughout the police and across the country. How could Falk address that? He can’t find one villain who’s creating racism across the world and punch the problem of racism in the face.
For that matter, what’s Falk’s race? Do we assume he’s white by default, which is another problem in written or audio fiction? In one draft, I ended the first part of the story by having the driver Mr. Freeman say, “As-salamu alaykum,” and Falk reply, “ wa ʿalaykumu s-salām.” I wanted a shorthand to hint that Freeman was non-white without saying it. But that together with Falk’s surname would imply Zildjian is of Middle Eastern descent. And then I’d be a white writer and white voice trying to portray a non-white main character, being hyper conscious of how I present him at every step.
So I fell back to “default white” or hopefully a kind of surreal mystery. The characters in these stories can’t even see or feel what’s happening around them until Falk uses his power to narrate events, telling them how the fight turned out or what they’re seeing. Is “Falk Zildjian” a pseudonym or his name assigned at birth? He denies it but he doesn’t always sound convincing. Is he white by default or something else? Other characters and the audience won’t necessarily know until or unless he narrates it. The sign-off joke at the end of this episode’s credits tries to hint at that: “Who knows what complexion lurks on a character who’s not depicted in a visual medium? This Gun in My Hand!”
It’s a cop out. Maybe I’ll figure out a better way later.
2. I looked up police radio codes for Michigan. “5400” is used in some jurisdictions for traffic violations. I couldn’t find one specifically for burned out tail light. Also I mention Michigan sometimes, but Parabellum City is not necessarily supposed to be in Michigan. It’s in the "tri-state area." Pick any three states.
3. Mr. Freeman says his pistol is in a holster in his left armpit. Officer Goodman later says it’s in his “starboard armpit.” I screwed up. The left side of the vehicle as you face forward is “port,” not “starboard.”
4. What’s the year in this setting? I try to make it sound like the 1930s or 40s in some ways, like the antique police siren in this episode, references to Walter Winchell, Falk’s knowledge of old superhero & pulp characters like The Spider, the Green Lama, The Black Terror, Spy Smasher, The Phantom. But there are jokes about more modern events and ideas, all the jargon about ace, non-binary, LGBTQQIA++. Don’t make me pin it down.
5. Here’s a joke that might not have come across clearly in the audio. Officer Goodman and Sgt. Abolysche exclaim in unison, “Falk Zildjian!” when he first appears in the episode. Goodman can see and recognize Falk. Abolysche’s voice is filtered because he’s back at the station talking over the radio. How could he see Falk walking up? Because all the other characters should exclaim his name in unison when Falk Zildjian appears.
6. Detective Badcopowitz talks about a “bad BJ.” Officer Goodman says, “I loved that show. That chimp used to crack me up.” There was a sitcom from 1978-1981 about a trucker and his chimp called B.J. and The Bear.
7. Did I coin the phrase “jazz sticks” or did I hear it somewhere? People say “jazz cigarettes” or “sticks of tea,” but apparently they’re talking about tools for playing percussion when they say “jazz sticks.” Oh well. You know what I meant.
8. Is there such a thing as LGBTQIA++? Double-plus good? There is now.
Episode 8: Zildjian’s Pal, Lemmy Jolson
1. There are real newspapers still published in the US named “The Daily Sentinel,” so I’m not infringing on the fictional newspaper published by any fictional lime-colored heroes when I mention it.
2. Jokes about Lemmy Kilmister and Al Jolson. Apart from the references to 70s sitcoms, that’s what you’re here for, right?
3. "Lemmy Jolson" is kind of a garbled spoonerism for Jimmy Olson. Ritt Breed and Matt Ban are spoonerisms.
4. I stopped short of mentioning Dr. Strange or Iron Fist by name when I was talking about heroes who gained their abilities or knowledge in “exotic” Eastern lands. Should have mentioned The Shadow too.
5. The kids putting on a show were Billy Narrator Jr., Peetie Westlaw, Winifred and Froggy. I didn't want to tear up my throat doing a froggy voice, so I differentiated Froggy by giving him the highest voice. Still gave him most of the punchlines though. Peetie Westlaw is a play on the name of the Blues singer Peetie Wheatstraw, “The Devil’s Son-in-Law.” See also Rudy Ray Moore’s 1977 movie, Petey Wheatstraw. I wasn't trying to do a vocal impression of the Blues singer, just love the name.
Episode 9: Invasion of The Emerald Ash Borer
1. The Green Hornet’s faithful valet Kato was first described as Japanese in the radio show. As relations with Japan became tense (but before the war), the narrator started describing Kato as Filipino. The first actor who voiced Kato on the radio show, Tokutaro Hayashi (later known as Raymond Toyo), was imprisoned in the Tule Lake War Relocation Center in California during World War II. A newsletter published by inmates of the concentration camp mentions Toyo’s role on the Green Hornet and says that he worked in theater productions in the camp.
The Green Hornet and his characters probably don't deserve it, but I have this redemptive headcanon fan-theory that in the story, Britt and Kato saw the writing on the wall and started telling everyone in town that Kato was Filipino, not Japanese, so he wouldn't be put in a concentration camp.
Oh, and if it seems weird to hear "valet" rhyming with "mallet" instead of "ballet," that's the way it was pronounced on GH radio show, and on Downton Abbey if I remember correctly. They also used to call cars "coupé" so it rhymed with "toupée."
2. I found a website listing the most common Filipino surnames and landed on "Castro." I’m guessing it's more common than “Kato,” although that’s certainly possible.
3. “The Gallery of the Emerald Ash Borer.” For whatever reason, entomologists use the word “gallery” when talking about the area under tree bark where emerald ash borer larvae chew zig-zag lines back and forth.
4. Largo Mane is a spoonerism.
5. Castro says Lamont Cranford’s assistant Largo Mane is rumored to practice witchcraft. Margo Lane, Lamont Cranston’s assistant on The Shadow radio show, was first voiced by Agnes Moorehead … who later played Endora on Bewitched.
7. How the hell does a laxative fight colds?
8. This Gun in My Hand is not actually recorded in the studios of WXYZ Detroit. It is, however, recorded within the Twentieth-Century broadcast area of WXYZ-TV.
1. Gil and Rosen are named after Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
2. “I don’t think that’s what that means.” Some variation of this comes up in almost every episode.
3. Why does the narrator have a telephone-filtered voice even when he’s talking in a scene with his son Billy? Because I wanted some way to make the narrator sound different from Falk, even though they both use my normal speaking voice. Then when I wrote the father & son ads, I decided to have the narrator continue as the father. It seemed weird and a little funny to maintain his telephone-filtered sound.
The Whole Story, #2
1. Would a vigilante who admittedly uses a pseudonym be allowed to testify in court? Wouldn’t they demand his real name? Sure, but then how else would I stage this gimmick where people keep getting their long stories shortened by musical interludes?
2. Falk’s informant, The Shoe Shine Man, is presumably the grown-up version of Underdog’s secret identity, Shoeshine Boy.
3. As far as I know, there’s no full joke that ends with the punchline, “That’s not petroleum jelly, that’s rubber cement.” You drop this line and imply it’s a punchline, allowing listeners to imagine what the setup of the joke could have been. I heard it from a guy in school.
Not So Heroic, #3
1. This 1980s tv commercial for Massengill was the inspiration for the mother and daughter NRMA ad in this episode. I started writing them as “Mother” and “Daughter” in the script, then shortened it to M and D, finally naming them Melba and Denise.
2. Among the pistols listed with stats in the core rulebook of the James Bond 007 role-playing game (1983), my favorite was the Heckler & Koch VP70Z, because you could switch from semi-automatic (one bullet with each pull of the trigger) to “three-round bursts” with each pull of the trigger. Seemed versatile, plus it holds a lot of rounds compared to some others. More recently I watched some videos from the H&K company which explained that only the VP70M (Military) version could fire three round bursts or use a detachable shoulder-stock.
3. Continuity error: Denise says she has four H&K pistols at home early in the conversation. After writing that bit, I looked up Michigan state laws, which say that minors can’t own or possess handguns, although they can use them for hunting or target shooting under narrow circumstances. I had Denise bring up the law later in the conversation so she could argue with her mother, but I didn’t go back to straighten out the earlier statement that she had at least four pistols at home because it seemed funny. Ooops.
4. “My tuchus.” I tempered Melba’s swearing in the hopes of maintaining a “clean” language status on Apple Podcasts and having a slightly bigger audience. They don’t consider “badass” explicit, do they? Ooops again.
5. “The future is here, it’s just unevenly distributed.” - Melba paraphrasing William Gibson.
6. First appearance of Sgt. Lester “Abe” Abolysche. His first name comes from Lestrade. Can’t remember what was going through my mind when I gave him that last name.
7. There really is insurance for people who fantasize about being George Zimmerman or Bernard Goetz, but who don’t want to get charged with murder when their claim of self-defense is as shaky as a one-legged stool. I don’t think there’s a company called “Polonial Kenn” though. That might be the first spoonerism in the series. As of 2012, that kind of insurance was really offered to members of that other national rifle organization.
8. I wrote this episode to pass the Bechdel Test (female characters talking with each other about something other than men). I know the voice cast is all-male, but the only person I know who will perform voices for free as often as I want and at my convenience is me.
Falk Zildjian faces off with the ostensible hero and recent murderer known as The Emerald Ash Borer. Why did he abandon crime-fighting? Will Falk bring him down? How do you pronounce Cicindela sexguttata? Find out in this amazing episode!
Invasion of The Emerald Ash Borer, episode 9 of This Gun in My Hand, was made by Rob Northrup. Rate and review this wherever you can. Go to https://ThisGuninMyHand.blogspot.com for credits, details on how to subscribe, and to buy my books. My short story collection Little Heist in the Big Woods and Other Revisionist Atrocities is for sale in pdf format. What’s the best insecticide to eliminate Cicindela sexguttata? This Gun in My Hand!
This episode is available on Youtube and in audio formats other than mp3 on archive.org.
Time for a legit public service announcement: the emerald ash borer is a serious invasive species that kills ash trees in North America. One of the main ways it spreads to new areas is when people take wood for campfires from one area and drive it to another area, giving the bugs a free ride. When you go camping, be sure to use local firewood that you find, or buy it near the spot where you’re camping. Burn all of it or leave any remaining firewood. Don’t carry it on to a different campsite. For details, see http://www.emeraldashborer.info
Music and Sound Effects Credits:
The opening and middle music clips were from The Sun Sets at Dawn (1950), and the closing music was from Killer Bait (1949), both films in the public domain.
Modified versions of the following six sound clips were used under Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license:
Title: Mount Moganshan Insect Chorus By: RTB45 https://freesound.org/people/RTB45/sounds/325321/ Insect chorus recorded one summer evening, Mount Monganshan, Zhejiang Provence, People's Republic of China. Actually crickets?
Title: Flight of the Carpenter Bee By Steven Arntson https://archive.org/details/Bildungsroman-7512
Title: Front door buzzer By jorickhoofd https://freesound.org/people/jorickhoofd/sounds/177874/
Title: Door, Wooden, Close, A (H6 MS).wav By InspectorJ https://freesound.org/people/InspectorJ/sounds/411789/
Title: Drawer Slam 2.wav By jesabat https://freesound.org/people/jesabat/sounds/119726/
Title: Breaking wood By jorickhoofd https://freesound.org/people/jorickhoofd/sounds/178658/
Modified public domain clips used in this episode:
Excerpt of two criminals talking from the Green Hornet radio episode “Money Talks Too Loud,” broadcast June 20, 1939. Public domain.
Excerpt of the WXYZ sign-off from the Green Hornet radio episode “Cash on the Parking Lot,” broadcast October 31, 1939. Public domain. (This Gun in My Hand does not actually originate in the studios of WXYZ Detroit, but within the broadcast area of the modern WXYZ-TV.)
“Sal Hepatica” ad from The Fred Allen Show, broadcast circa 1930s. Public domain.
Graffiti insect image photographed Nov 15, 2020 by Rob Northrup. Artist unknown.
